Part 6 – Russian Roulette

29 10 2007

Life makes you take paths you were once totally oblivious to. The mere randomness of the chaotic order of events leaves you in disbelief, crushed into a fragment of yourself, trying to solve each piece of a puzzle whose outcome you don’t even know. Yet at each step you try to push it further, with the hope that maybe this time you won’t go wrong. Inevitably, the most predictable outcome results and you find yourself crawling back to the starting point. Situations may vary, but the context remains so depressingly similar. Each of us find ourselves trapped between different worlds, fate and chance, logic and emotions, reality and fantasy, love and apathy.

He drifted by each second, trying to find the right equilibrium, not in order to balance both sides, but only enough to cope with his own delusional mind. He always found himself evolving among those spheres, a wandering beacon shifting through the instability of his emotions. Somehow, the most unstable and disturbingly profound emotion he ever felt, was love or maybe all that follows.

Much too often, he felt like being imprisoned in a bouncing ball, trapped in the ups and downs of life, propelled by the malicious velocity of ever changing relationships. At each fall he braces himself for another collision, preparing for the emotional wreck he was about to encounter. His mind and heart raced so fast that time itself seems to slow down. Time, being a mere variable in the millions of emotional collisions that a single moment can generate. Each heart beat was another acute rush of pain mixed with an amalgam of insecurity, despair, perdition and loneliness. He could live that moment a thousand times, yet he seems to never be getting used to the profound deception it conveyed.

Experience is supposed to make someone more mature, sharp and accustomed to the process. Still, he lived each encounter as a whole new experience. The beauty of the beginning finds itself lost in the dark trauma of the ending.

Love for him was the forbidden fruit that would bring the demons rushing in, triggering a reaction that will finally lead the annihilation of his whole being. Strangely, despite all the miserable outcomes, this feeling was bizarrely still so fascinatingly attractive. What is so compelling about it that drives the mind to lose grip on the handle of rationality?

It all starts like a splendid fairy tale, till one day everything swirls into an abyss widely undermining the most sordid of your nightmares. The worst part, is despite all the pain, we sometimes still hold on, hoping that things would get better on their own. That maybe one day all of this would be over and we’ll get over it. But some seem to forget that life is not fairy tale. The truth is far cruder than that and unfortunately, things don’t really go the way we would want them to be.

Ah… love… that wonderful emotion that can propel one’s soul to the highest peaks or to the deepest abyss in a single breath. The mysteries of a lifetime enclosed in a four letter word. Four letters which have been the subject of considerable debate, enduring speculation, and thoughtful introspection. Some still try to find a rational approach, but most are convinced that love is everything but rational.

Love is the best thing that can ever happen to you, he often heard some say. But is it really? Some say love hurts… or maybe they took something else for being love. Everybody has to go through it one day, but are we ready to face it? We all have a friend who was completely broken by a heartbreak… maybe we were ourselves… but strangely enough, very few can genuinely justify the integrity of their emotions. He was often laughed at while he tried in vain to explain that love, like any other emotion, needs to have a reason. More than often he would ask a friend why he loves that particular girl, his response would be “I don’t know why… I just love her… I can’t live without her…”. That deeply intrigued him. He always thought loving someone was not when two people cannot leave without each other, its when two people choose to be together.

For him, love is a choice, not something being imposed on you. If it is, then you become enslaved to the emotion you nourish. You become dependent on that feeling, on the person you “love”… And dependency kills your individuality. You start to change, sometimes into something you yourself cannot decipher. You become a prisoner in your own prison. It’s one thing to be genuinely in love and another to be only emotionally dependent.

Sometimes you find yourself trapped with a missing piece in the puzzle and the resonating sound of a trigger behind your back…

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2 responses

21 12 2007
Melina

very interesting. i’m adding in RSS Reader

31 12 2007
dav

each n evrytime u succeed in making me say wow 🙂
awesome piece of writing .. found myself at places of ur text .. smtimes u might feel smthing deep inside yet its so powerful that u cant bring it out in words.. u wanna let go and get it out but u cant find the right words..
but your wrtings do … they bring out all those emotions out.. and so perfectly well 😉

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